A Mistah J Christmas
by EmperorDoofenshmirtz
Summary: The Christmas season is the most hectic time of year, and everyone needs to get their shopping done. Even mass-murdering lunatics.


**I'm tip-toeing out of the fandom I usually inhabit for this farce of a Christmas story. On every fandom, the season brings in some festive stories, so naturally, I felt a sociopathic one was needed. Enjoy!**

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The mall was slowly grinding to a halt – even those affected by the Christmas rush had realised that they could shop for gifts another day. The crowds had begun to dwindle, and the shop assistants were starting to sweep up the mess they had caused in their all-consuming mass. Katie was one of these workers, overworked and underpaid in a job that she did not actually need. As a middle-class teenager though, she felt it was her right to have a job for some reason, as if her parents were not funding her every step.

Katie spent most of the working day comparing the conditions and management to the Third Reich while ignoring customers at the till, so locking up was about the only section of her job that required a smidgen off effort. So naturally, she complained.

"This is fascism!" she muttered venomously. "I've been working for hours!"

"Uh-huh," said the manager as he walked out the door. "Remember to lock up."

"Yes sir…" and in a lower tone of voice, "why don't you lock up your… your Panzer tank?"

The manager closed the shutters halfway before he left, and she realised she was the only person left in this part of the mall. She would tell everyone at school about this horrendous abuse of human rights! Katie then remembered that it was Christmas vacation, and she would have to phone round or go online to complain. In a quick, futile burst of temper, she mixed up the order of some of the DVDs.

She regretted this almost immediately and put them back under the letters they belonged.

In short, the world of work was not exactly tailored to Katie's strengths. At the sound of the shutters rattling, she found someone to unleash her adolescent temper upon.

"We're closed, can't you rea… Heh. Heheh… Aha. Ha ha ha…"

Her laughing grew increasingly hysterical, and her eyes grew more and more unfocused. Suddenly, she doubled over, the laughter causing tears to stream down her face and mix with the rabid froth that had emerged from her mouth. The hysterical laughter became a gurgling chuckle, and Katie stumbled forward and crashed limply to the floor, a rictus grin on her features.

"Would you look at that… I do love it when kids are dedicated to giving you the service you need! Ha! HARLEY!"

The shutters swung up and a trolley came rumbling into the store, wheels spinning dangerously. A young woman, dressed in a harlequin's apparel complete with domino mask, was hanging from the back of the trolley.

"It's the most wonderful time of the year!" she finished singing as the trolley crashed into a set of shelves marked 'documentaries'.

This elicited a low chuckle from the original speaker, who casually stepped over the dead sales assistant and motioned for his accomplice to approach. The man furrowed his brow and stroked his chin melodramatically, inspecting the set of DVDs in front of him.

"Mistah J, what is it we're lookin' for?" the woman asked, draping herself over the shelves to unsuccessfully get his attention.

There was a little 'tut' noise, but the man continued browsing the DVDs without raising an eye.

"Harley, my simple little broad, there is nothing more magical than the spirit of Christmas, except maybe the noise of the Batsignal clunking to life. And I think we need to view the classics."

"You mean like Abbot and Costello?"

"Oh, I hate to call you stupid my dear, but that's not what I'm talking about. Christmas classics!"

"But Mistah J, if we're watchin' Christmas movies, how're we gonna bomb the children's home on the day like you promised?"

It was a high-pitched giggle this time, and the Joker drew himself up to his full height, winking at the security camera as he did. In the spirit of the season, he had elected to wear a reindeer-themed novelty tie along with his usual work clothes. If he were to press Rudolph's nose, acid would spray out from Comet's rear, and he was rather excited to show Two-Face this prank. He suddenly flung himself backwards, lying back on the rows of DVD boxes behind him.

"Harley, Christmas Day is a time for friends and family! Of course we're going to visit the kids on the morning!"

"Then how are we gonna-!"

"I mean, we have a lot of friends Harley," the Joker continued as if she had not spoken. "After the kiddiewinks decorate the sidewalk, we'll have to go to Arkham and spread the cheer! And of course, to end the perfect day, we'll give ol' Batsy a present by stringing up some lights for him!"

By lights, the Joker meant the people he had recently kidnapped and force-fed multicoloured flashing Christmas decorations. He had no idea if it would work, but there was a first time for everything.

"But Christmas Eve, my dear, well it wouldn't be the same without the good old Christmas classics! So start searching!"

Eager to please, Harley Quinn leapt to the task, rummaging through the boxes and paying little attention to the titles. She assumed the ones that the Joker was talking about would be easy to notice once she got to them.

"What about this one? The Santa Clause? It has Tim Allen, pudding!"

"I said a Christmas movie!" The Joker snapped. "Not a snuff film!"

Harley squeaked and returned to her search. She momentarily had to stop to shoot a snooping security guard in the face, but she barely let it distract her. If the Joker wanted something done, Harley would do it. The Clown Prince of Crime himself seemed to become bored, and was inspecting posters on the wall.

"Puddin', after we go to the nuthouse, are we gonna drop by the Iceberg Lounge? We ain't seen Mr Cobblepot since last Christmas."

"I don't know kid, we're kinda strapped for time. If you're good. If we don't make it anyway, we'll send him something dead."

"Okay… Hey Mistah J, I found the Muppets, the Christmas Carol one!"

The Joker's fixed grin stretched for a moment, and he darted over to grab the box, spinning round in a circle to behold his prize.

"That's what I was talking about Harley! Some of the slapstick in this is funny if you imagine it happening to real people."

Harley, excited by her sudden success, made a miscalculation in her next selection.

"Oh look, Love Actually!"

The resulting swipe from her beloved Joker sent her sprawling across the tiles with a sharp yelp. Narrowly avoiding hitting her head, Harley pulled herself back up, wiping the blood away from her deranged smile.

"Good one Mistah J."

"I thought so too. But the real joke was your suggestion! Hahahahahahaha!"

Harley laughed along with him, and when he started to calm down, she shot the DVD several times, which brought him back into the laughing fit. The two of them were still laughing when the Joker remembered why they had come in the first place, and stopped immediately.

"Hurry up Harley," he chided gently.

"The Nightmare Before Christmas?"

"No, Tim Burton's kind of a creepy guy."

"Says Henry Sellick."

"Harley…"

"Sorry puddin'!"

"It's A Wonderful Life?"

"Hate it."

"Die Hard?"

"Eh, put it in the cart."

"Home Alone?"

"No, I tried replicating some of the jokes in that flick, Harl. When you drop a clothes iron on someone's head, it doesn't leave a comedic bruise, it caves the face in."

"We could cave bird boy's face in!" Harley chirped.

The Joker pondered this for a moment. "I… do you think it's too similar to the crowbar gag?"

"The crowbar was a classic, Mistah J!"

"I know Harley," he said, "but I hate to repeat myself. I suppose we could try it…"

"FREEZE! GCPD!"

"Here come the fuzz Mistah J!" Harley piped, throwing the DVDs into the trolley.

The GCPD made an unearthly amount of noise as they rushed through the mall. Where exactly they got new recruits was a mystery to Harley, because she had killed several before, Joker even more, and she knew that Scarecrow and Harvey usually ended up killing officers every time they broke out.

The Joker remained completely calm, reaching into his suit pockets.

Harley realised that the police officers would likely surround the exits first. It was probably just two or three cops, unless they were aware who the culprits were.

"DROP YOUR WEAPONS AND COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!"

"They don't know it's us, puddin'! Did we trip some kinda alarm?"

"Your gunshot," said the Joker.

"Oh. Sorry, Mistah J."

"That's quite all right my dear. Hahaha. We'll wait and see the looks on their faces when they burst in."

Harley nodded, and looked back at the shelves. Spontaneously, she began picking some gifts out for the other Arkhamites, as she called them. She managed to decide on The Man With Two Brains for the two Harveys, the rereleased edition of The Exorcist for Dr Crane, A Serbian Film for Mr Sionis, Alice In Wonderland for Jervis, Face Off for Dr Eliot, The Thing for Clayface, and Memento for Riddler. She contemplated taking something for Red, but felt that the other woman would better appreciate the liberation of one of her green friends.

"I did some Christmas shoppin', puddin'."

"Hmm? Ha! I wonder if any of them will get the joke."

"Are you gonna get somethin' for the Big Ugly Bat?"

The Joker grinned, which on his face stretched his smile to a ludicrous extent, and pulled a small object from his suit jacket. The handheld device had 'SMILE!' inscribed on the front of it, but it still took Harley some time to recognise it as a homemade grenade.

"I'm going to give dear old Batsy gifts all season! I'm looking forward to the light show of course, but today I think I'll give him some funny policemen!"

"A gift a day!" Harley sighed. "Like Hanukkah!"

"Exactly."

When the police finally decided to act, they cautiously approached the shop. One man snuck through the emergency exits, while the other two rushed head on. When their warnings went unheeded, the two slid under the shutters while the other burst through the backdoor, guns at the ready.

The Joker and Harley drove home that night, over several pedestrians, happily singing Christmas carols. As an old woman went flying over the bonnet and landed with a crack on the road, Harley turned to her idol.

"If we're celebrating Hanukkah now, can we get a menorah puddin'?"

"Why ever not Harley?" shrugged the Joker, and having completed their Christmas shopping, the two decided to quickly get into the season of Hanukkah too.

At the mall, there was a present for Batman. The first of many.

Three police officers lay slumped together, identical rictus grins on their faces. Their uniforms had been removed, and on each body, the Joker's season's greetings were written in cheerful, and most importantly, festive red blood. Although each body displayed the same word, each letter had been shown individual effort and artistic skill.

'Ho, Ho, Ho' read Batman's Christmas card.


End file.
